Two killed and several injured in one big chain reaction. At 6:45 am, this morning, a tragic
tractor-trailer collision occurred. Not only were the two tractor-trailers involved, but a total of four
trailers and 14 cars were unfortunate as well. There was one diesel fueled trailer that was lucky
enough to not tip over and dump all over to catch fire. Rockford’s Police Department has not yet
completed the full investigation on the occurrence of the accident.
Though we are blessed to have only lost two lives in this tragedy, twenty were taken to
the hospital in injury, and 4 of them are seriously injured (life threatening). This scene held quite a
backup and has created a fair mess during rush hour traffic, being that Interstate 790 has been
closed all day without any notification of when exactly it will open again.
A few things I noticed. I think all tractor-trailers are diesel fueled, but the one in the story was actually hauling the diesel. I would leave out the "lucky" and "blessed", those words are kind of loaded adjectives. They show your opinion. For all we know the truck driver really wanted to die. I see a few other words that aren't really needed. In your last sentence, you could nix the "exactly". In the same sentence "fair" could go. I think 4 should be spelled out, and twenty should be 20. I would also get rid of "tragic" at the beginning. If you tell the story in a strong way, people will know that it is tragic without you even using the word.
ReplyDeleteHello Maria,
ReplyDeleteI like your introduction, but I think the overall story could use a few more details. The book had a lot of nice details that you could incorperate into your story to make it more colorful and interesting. Also remember not use use "we" in a news story.